The veterinarian office was full of festive decorations and holiday treats and people were in a celebratory mood. Santa was about to arrive so attendees could have photos taken with Santa and their pet dogs or cats, all funds were to benefit this charity event. This was in direct contrast with what I knew I would be doing in a few moments, and that is, to give a mother photos of her deceased child from the Sandy Hook tragedy, photos she’d never see before.
Report by Paula Antolini
December 14, 2015 2:00PM EDT
The Most Difficult Moment: How Do You Give a Mom Photos of Her Deceased Child from the Sandy Hook Tragedy?
Written by Paula Antolini
The veterinarian office was full of festive decorations and holiday treats and people were in a celebratory mood. Santa was about to arrive so attendees could have photos taken with Santa and their pet dogs or cats, all funds were to benefit this charity event. This was in direct contrast with what I knew I would be doing in a few moments, and that is, to give a mother photos of her deceased child from the Sandy Hook tragedy, photos she’d never see before. (I will keep the names and location private out of respect for the family.)
Weeks after the Sandy Hook massacre occurred I had the thought that as a photojournalist I might have easily photographed any of those children in the past years, when I covered many Newtown Ct. events such as the massive Labor Day Parade each year where many children march in the parade, or sports events etc. As I reviewed my photos my heart sank when I recognized four photos of a young girl that was one of the victims, photos taken just 3 months before the tragedy. I really did not want to have these photos but I obviously did. As a Mom myself, I must have stared at those photos an extra-long time, at that precious child, and I could imagine how much she was loved, and now missed, especially because I met the child in person.
I immediately removed the photos from my website and stored the digital files safely away and I knew I would never publish these. I also knew that somehow I had to get the photos to the family, but how? I had no address or telephone number or contact info. of any sort. I thought about giving it to someone else to give to the family, if I could find someone, there were so many organizations, but I wanted to be sure that these photos absolutely reached the family. I also thought about not doing anything, because WAS it the right thing to do? Hard to decide because everyone feels differently.
So, the moment pretty much came to me a year later during a fundraiser photo opportunity I was asked to do. I happily said yes before I even knew many of the details of the event because I was asked to do it by a business associate and veterinarian friend of mine, who also leads a volunteer group I belong to and who was holding this fundraiser. I quickly learned I’d be the official photographer taking photos of people and their pets with Santa. I then learned that the fundraiser was in remembrance of one of the victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy and for a supportive cause, and it was for the very girl I had photographed. What were the chances of this coincidence?
I informed the veterinarian that I had these photos and told her I did not HAVE to give the Mom the photos that day, it was her call and the decision of the Mom too of course, if they wanted to even inform her about the photos, which they did not have to do either. I left it as the vet’s call. Everyone agreed it was okay and I was to go into a private room later on, separate from the festivities, to give the Mom the photos after we finished the Santa photos.
As you can imagine, my heart was beating fast knowing the task ahead of me. I had to photograph about 50 people and families and pets before I gave the Mom the photos, and I managed to keep my mind on my work somehow, I don’t know how.
The veterinarian informed me about how I would give the Mom the photos, which would take place in a separate room, she pointed out, as we stood in another small room, where the vet had safely placed the photos out of sight, in the meantime. I showed her some of the photos which I had framed as beautifully as I could. Then we re-covered them. I think she took a big gulp too. I had decided not to wrap them in anything other than some bubble wrap, loosely placed around them for protection and easy opening. I didn’t want it to seem like a “present” during the holiday time of year, because it was anything but.
When I’d finished the Santa photography that day, the time came for me to meet with the Mom and I was directed to the small room, by another woman who seemed to be monitoring the situation, and who had probably placed the wrapped photos in that same second room for me by then because the photos were waiting when I got there. She remained in the room and then the Mom entered.
I greeted the Mom then gently grabbed one framed photos off the side cabinet where they had been placed in a stack, already removed from the tote bag I’d brought them in, but still covered in the bubble wrap. I nervously unwrapped the first photo, which was a close up of the child, and I opened the easel back and stood the photo up on a flat surface in the room that I think was a pet exam table. I did the same with the other three. I could hardly look at the Mom. The room suddenly felt too quiet. She said very few words, which I will keep private, but seemed pleased to have the photos. Then it was my turn to speak. What do you say in a situation like this that the Mom must have heard a thousand times by now?
Earlier I had decided to write down what I would say to the Mom because I did not trust myself to remember it all in a situation such as this. Good thing I did, because I could hardly get the words out, but I did manage to remain composed, not without a lot of effort though. It was heartbreak from one Mom to another Mom that was in me, not knowing how to handle this properly. I hope the photos helped her in some way.
I kept the message short and basically described the moment I photographed her daughter, how I spotted her beautiful daughter in the Labor Day Parade crowd (she was not marching in the parade) and how her daughter (and whom I think was her brother) started walking towards me and posed in front of me without me saying a word. They posed for a minute or two, smiling, and then they skipped away as quickly as they had appeared, off to grab more candy. They had been in the street running for the candy that is thrown to children from parade marchers. Just an average day, a beautiful moment in time. I wanted the Mom to have the beautiful thought to go with the photos. I had also written this same message in a separate note in a sealed envelope, which I handed to the Mom, just in case she could not remember the words she just heard from me, later on. She thanked me.
I then gave her a hug and left the room and I could hardly breathe, but had to compose myself immediately again because I did not want to show any emotion to the people at the party or that this photo-giving event had even taken place. The woman and the Mom did the same as they re-entered the party. Of course my emotions pale to those of the the strong woman I just hugged.
Back when I realized I had these photos the thought haunted me that since I photographed the children in September 2012 it could have easily been the last photos of the sister and brother together, or the last photo period. This made it even more urgent for me to get the photos to the family.
This was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my photography career but before doing so I asked myself if I would want these photos had is tragedy happened to me? The answer was yes, so I took the chance that this Mom would feel the same.
I also realized I had photographed another child from the Sandy Hook tragedy, several years earlier, and I have not yet been able to get those photos to the family yet, but I will. I removed all those photos from my website too. I did not recognize the photos of the child at first because it was many years earlier and he was just a toddler and looked different. I do, however, remember that moment implicitly too, just as I did for the girl I photographed at the parade.
The boy was photographed at a track meet held in the summer in Bethel for all ages of children. He was always the last to finish each race, being such a baby, and his Mom and friends were on the grass next to the track, encouraging him to run to the finish line during each of several races he did that summer day. At one point a slightly older boy ran back and grabbed the toddler’s hand and gently pulled the toddler over the finish line as the toddler smiled, enjoying every minute. Another normal happy moment in time, and surely a sad memory for that Mom now.
I am stunned at the chances of me having photographed one victim, but now two? It tells me that life is precious and you just never know. I think about all the Sandy Hook individuals often and especially the two children who crossed my path, and of course all the victims’ families. December 14th will always be a sad day.
I, and I am sure others from Bethel too, still cannot believe the awful Sandy Hook tragedy really occurred and so close to home. It could have been any of us. Many of us put our children on the school bus each morning and hug them again when they come back home each afternoon. It is unimaginable how those families of victims feel each and every year not having their loved ones and especially losing a child, a sibling, a niece/nephew/aunt/grandchild/Mom. It changed all their lives forever but they are all trying to make good come out of bad with organizations that promote kindness and love.
We honor the victims today and we will never forget.
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